Monday 28 May 2018

#5 - Jealousy 05/28/18

I hate the feeling of being jealous of someone else. But as hard as I try to ignore it, I can't help it sometimes.

In particular, I mean when it comes to work. I've had regular, full time jobs for 15 years, and know all too well how it feels to watch someone else get a promotion, or an opportunity, or whatever, and you think you should have gotten it instead. You feel like you're more qualified than they are, or maybe you think they're lazy, or over-rated, or they just got what they got because they kiss the right ass. It doesn't matter. You sit there and feel jealous. And it's a shitty feeling.

This applies to comedy more than any other job I've had in my life. Because there's no pecking order in comedy. Seniority doesn't decide who gets to move up to the next level when a spot opens up. In a perfect world, when an opportunity presents itself, it would go to the funniest comic available. But that's usually not how it works. I still have a ton to learn, but something I figured out pretty quick is that when a spot opens up on a show/tour/festival/whatever, it's going to go to whoever's in charge of filling it decides they want it to go to. That's all there is to it.

Occasionally, it really does just go to the comic they think is funniest. Or maybe the comic wth the most Instagram followers, because they think he/she will be the biggest draw. It might go to the comic that person just likes the most. Sometimes it's as simple as "he or she was standing there when the spot opened up". You never know. But anytime a spot is open, and I don't get it, I can't help but get jealous.

And it's dumb, because sometimes it'll be over a spot that I didn't even want (or deserve). It's being  greedy. I can't help but want all the spots, and all the opportunities. Even if I know I'd be setting myself up to fail by taking it. Maybe you could chalk it up to being hungry and motivated, but I know that a lot of it isn't that, it's just greed.

And the stupidest part of all, is that I know damned well I already get a lot of opportunities. Most the time I'm aware of it, and I'm infinitely grateful. But that jealous feeling still creeps in every time I see someone else get a chance that I didn't. It's something I need to try and improve about myself. I guess my thought process is putting it down here might help me call it out and address it more moving forward.

And I am trying to address it. First and foremost, when I see another comic get something, I try to sincerely be happy for them. Even if I'm not close to them, it's still good for Edmonton/Alberta/Canadian comedy when one of us accomplishes something. It makes us look better as a collective group. Plus, it gives the rest of us a chance to apply the old "if someone else has done it, you can do it" mentality. We should really be picking each other up and working together, instead of trying to step over each other all the time. (I think this could apply to most walks of life, not just telling jokes).

Another step I'm trying to take is to just step back for a second, and be realistic. If someone else gets something, I ask myself:
A) Did you even want that?
and
B) If so, why didn't you get it?

If the answer to A is no, then just drop it and be happy for them. Greed is a bad look on anyone. There's plenty out there for everybody. Forget it and get back to what matters to you.

If the answer to A is yes, then I stop and ask myself why I think I didn't get it. If it was just because the booker liked someone else better, I try to forget it. That's out of my control. But I think most of the time, if I'm being honest with myself, it's either because they were more qualified, or they're a better comic than me. And if that's the case, it shouldn't make me jealous, it should make me hungrier. "Get better, or get bitter". I have to use it to fuel me to improve, instead of just using it to get angry.

There's an infinite number of opportunities out there. If you miss out on one, it's a pretty safe bet that another one is around the corner. Be happy for other people and their accomplishments, and use their success to motivate yourself. Just keep moving forward.

This isn't me trying to tell any of you how to live your life. It's something for me to come back and read whenever I see any comic get anything. I'm using this blog as a way to improve my writing, but if I can use it to call out my shortcomings and try to improve as a person, too, that's even better.

Thanks for reading.

Adam

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