Struggling to find my focus 12/7/16

I've been trying to figure out how to word this blog for a few days.

I haven't been as focused on my comedy lately, and I don't know why. I've missed some shows, haven't written very much. Spent some nights hibernating and playing video games instead of grinding. And it wasn't even a grind. Going to a different open mic or two every night was fun. I felt like I was chasing a dream, and it made me look at life an entirely different away. I've never felt that focused or motivated.

Then about three weeks ago, it started to go away. I'm not sure why it did. There are aspects of stand up comedy that I don't enjoy. I think that, combined with a few other things, made up the perfect storm. Luckily (and thankfully), that feeling is disappearing. I've done some shows the last couple weeks, talked to some people, re-evaluated what I'm doing, and why I'm doing it. I wrote down some goals, which I'll get to in an upcoming blog, and as cheesy as it sounds, I feel like "I'm back".

I'm about 6 weeks away from my 1 year anniversary as a comedian, and over the next 7 days, I get to open for three very talented comedians that I respect and genuinely like in Shawn Gramiak, Lars Callieou, and Mike Dambra. I'm looking forward to working with, and picking the brain, of all three of them. I get to MC a show at the Comic Strip in West Edmonton Mall. And I'm going to make money to tell jokes. These are all things I thought would be cool to do someday when I started this in January, and now I'm doing them. It's some luck, and some older comedians being courteous enough to throw an opportunity at a new guy, but I like to think part of the reason I'm getting the chance to do this stuff is because I've spent a vast majority of 2016 focusing on comedy, and working really hard. When I step back and look at the adventure I've been on over the past year, and where some hard work and focus has gotten me, it really motivates me to work even harder.

I don't say that stuff to brag or try to make myself seem like a big deal. I'm not. An open mic comedian that walked away from a potential career to make fun of himself for $25 in front of 10 people at the age of 33 isn't anything to brag about. But in my opinion, it's something to be proud of.

I often beat myself up for not starting earlier. Some of the best comedians in the city right now are in their early 20's. I'm jealous of how good they'll be at my age. But at the same time, part of me is grateful I didn't start until I was 32. I don't think I was mature enough to tackle this 10 years ago. I wouldn't have appreciated the opportunities I've had. (I'm not saying the 20 year old comedians in the scene today are like that. Most of them are pretty awesome)

I'm not going to force myself to do stand up if I don't want to anymore. If I ever hit a point where it isn't fun, I'll quit. No hesitation. I thought maybe I had reached that point last month, but I haven't. I don't know what exactly it is I like about stand up comedy. I don't make a lot of money, I don't know if I really care that much about trying to get rich and famous. There's just something about being on stage and making people laugh, it's the sickest feeling. I figure I have 45, 50 years left. I just want to be happy for them. And as much as I resent it sometimes, comedy makes me happy.

Thanks for reading. And do what makes you happy.

Adam