Monday was my last day of work at the box factory.
I hadn't been happy there for some time. The early morning and long days weren't jiving with my new found night life, and I finally decided it was time to move on. For the first time since I was about 14, I don't have a regular job.
My plan was to start job hunting right away, but my girlfriend convinced me to take the month of October off, and just hit the reset button. I've been very fortunate to have a good friend that has hooked me up with a few paid gigs, and I'm going to take the month to just focus on my comedy, and try to figure out where to go next. It's everything I've dreamed of doing for months, and now that I have it, I've spent part of each day struggling with it.
I've never not had a job. I feel weird not having one. I have phases where I feel like a loser. Like Im just mooching off my girlfriend. Since I left my day job, I haven't turned on a video game, and I think I've watched 20 minutes of tv this week. I've spent my days getting odd jobs finished around the house, or working on my comedy. Writing, rehearsing, doing shows, and I've started learning the business side of the industry as well. But I can't shake the feeling that I should have a job, no matter how much I hated it. Like I'm letting the world down by not getting up every morning and going to work. We aren't struggling to pay the bills, we're not in any trouble at all. I have the blessing of my girlfriend to take this time and really focus on my future, figure out what will make me happy. But it's harder than I thought it would be.
I feel like Brooks in Shawshank Redemption, when he talks about life outside of prison. He's so used to life inside, that everything on the outside scares him. I'm not just going through the motions for the first time, and even if it's only temporary, it's terrifying.
Trying stand up comedy was one of the best decisions of my life. More than anything, I just want to get good at it, and do it for a living someday. I'm struggling with that lifestyle after 3 days. Writing jokes, getting on stage, performing, all the work? I love it. The freedom that comes with it? It isn't sitting right so far. I really hope I can convince myself to just embrace it and take the next step. I've been handed an opportunity most aspiring comedians would kill for; I don't have to worry about money, and I have all day to just focus on improving as a comedian. My girlfriend is supporting me, and I have people in the industry doing everything in their power to help me as much as possible. And all I can think about is how I should be at work. I suck.